A while ago I was watching a Chinese dating show with a man I did’t find particularly attractive. (The circumstances aren’t relevant here.) As each young man came on the stage, desperate to impress the panel of beautiful young women, he commented, “Look at them, they’re so bloody confident, they’ll never do any good that way.”
I looked at him instead—bad body language, single, mid fifties, and never married—and wondered how on earth he had arrived at the conclusion that women don’t like confident men. Few things are more attractive to most of the women I know than a man who is genuinely comfortable in his own skin, who knows what he wants and what he likes and generally feels good about himself. Note that this is completely different to arrogance, which turns (most) women off completely. Few women, unless they have a severe lack of self esteem themselves, are going to be attracted to a man with an inflated sense of his own importance. The other extreme, a chronic lack of self-worth that results in an aura of desperation detectable from a continent away, is just as unattractive.
We’ve all seen them in action, those men who can just strike up a conversation with the hottest woman in the place without even trying. The internet works in just the same way as your local bar.
Think of it as being something like sales. A good sales person can sell damn near anything. How does he do it? He intuitively homes in on the other person’s needs and wants. He doesn’t say, “I’ve got this wonderful gadget here, and you need to buy it,” yet this is the approach many men take. “Hi, I’m 45, I’ve got a good job, and I want you in my life.” Then they wonder why it doesn’t work.
What does your excellent salesman say? He finds out about his customer, what she thinks she wants, what she needs, what she can’t live without. This used to be fairly straightforward in the olden days, when most women wanted financial security and a father for their children. But this doesn’t apply any more, as many women can and do earn a decent income and bring up their children alone.
So how does a man find out what the woman he has his eye on wants? It’s incredibly simple–he asks her. There is a huge range of possible answers, ranging from the traditional partner and family, to companionship, a sporting partner, someone to play music with, and, of course, purely sex. Be prepared that she may not know the answer herself, but he will have opened up a dialogue, and will have a far greater chance of succeeding with her than if he had used solely the traditional method.
What do you think? Your comments are appreciated.
In my latest published story, “I’ll Be Watching You”, Nicholas knows exactly what Tracy wants, and devises a very interesting way of giving it to her. Who wouldn’t fall for that? Read an excerpt here.